I was chatting with an older woman who works in my building today for the first time and she said “I hope this comes out the right way but I overheard you say that you needed someone else to set up the bar for the party because you are a recovering alcoholic and I just wanted you to know how happy I was to hear you taking care of yourself like that. You see, my daughter had the same problem but she was never able to get well. I lost her last February. I know how very hard it is and I think it is so great what you are doing.” I smiled and said, “I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. It’s a very difficult journey to be on. So hard on everyone involved.” She replied “Yes…but it was hardest on her.”

We talked for a little while about how now she is raising her granddaughter as her own and how maybe we are all just doing our best, even when we are at our worst (a concept which has come up in conversation lately with a few different people and that I find incredibly hard to wrap my head around at times). At one point her eyes welled up and she said “Hearing you stand up for yourself and your life in that moment made me love my daughter in a way I have not been able to since she died. Thank you for giving that back to me.” She started crying big tears, which made me start crying big tears…then we hugged the hug that only people who have been through the same war hug, an embrace I have felt before with my own hurt, scared mother around this stuff.

In that moment I imagined myself to be her daughter, years later, happy and well, hugging away the pain of watching someone you love struggle through the horrors of addiction. I felt like saying “It’s OK, mom. It’s over now.” as I have done with my mother on several occasions since finally getting well in 2007…but those words mean something so different for her than they do for my mom. For this sweet woman and her daughter, it really is over. All of it. No more memories, no more birthdays or holidays spent together. She is just gone, taken from this world by a glass of something.

I am so thankful that my mother does not have to cry on the shoulder of some other survivor to feel close to her dead child and I am grateful to have real love in my life where there used to be an empty space I filled with cocaine and vodka. I know how lucky that makes me and not a day goes by that I don’t wonder why I get to be one of the lucky ones. These days are cosmic gifts, extra moments bestowed upon me and my family by some unexpected twist of fate. I am 4 years into the bonus round and I try to make every minute count. I get to be here to kiss my boyfriend, play with my dog, watch my nieces grow up, help the community I care so deeply about, and enjoy all these beautiful years I almost didn’t get to have with you all.

Be well, friends. Live the life you are meant to live. Hug your mothers. Find something lovable about yourself and LOVE IT fearlessly. Then, share that love with the world…because the world needs you. If you are struggling with addiction, please tell someone. There are lots of different ways to get lots of different kinds of help and there has never been a better time to get your shit together than RIGHT NOW.

I wish you the happiest of all holidays, everybody.

xo
Logan

OK, so…the title of this post is a bit dramatic and unfair. 2009 actually brought with it some really amazing things. My new record “From Pillar To Post” was released and was received better than my little brain could have imagined…First by the press, then by all of you guys. It’s been really great to finally get to share where I’ve been since 2007 with you after going into hiding shortly after I got signed with “Beat The World”. Thanks so much for listening, for helping to spread the word about my tunes, and for reminding me constantly why it is that I write songs in the first place.

On the flipside to all of this professional joy, the past year has been quite a journey for me personally. 2009 was the first year since 1994 where no Alcohol or Cocaine entered my body. Like…NONE. I got clean in the beginning of 2008, so it was tainted by a couple of months of freebasing and I didn’t quit drinking until December of ’08…but this year was clean, start to finish. I’m nearing the 2 year anniversary of my last journey to cracked-out partytown…I know for normal people that doesn’t seem like a very big deal, but for me and for anyone who has ever known or loved me, it’s noteworthy. I’m finally at a point with the getting well that it’s not such a constant struggle to function. All I really have to say about that is…FUCK YES!!! FINALLY!!!!!

At this point, I have torn down every part of my old life and am about to start over. After over 6 years of moving in one direction together, my partner and I split up in July and I’ve spent much of the past 6 months since just regrouping, catching my breath, mourning the loss of that companionship (and that of one of my dogs, Spike, who went to live with “other dad” when he left), and making a new plan. I made decisions this year that kicked me WAY out of my comfort zone and have left me feeling vulnerable and beyond frightened at times, but I’ve managed to navigate through and have finally hit the light at the end of the dark tunnel. I feel great sorrow for this loss in my life, and it is a neon example of how some things which I broke when I was high are just unfixable, no matter how hard anyone tries. I wish him nothing but the greatest happiness and hope the new year brings peace and healing for both of our sad, broken hearts.

That same week in July I went to stay with my Mom and Dad in the Oregon desert. We spent the first part of the week in a raw emotional state, talking out old festering wounds and repairing cracks in the foundation of our family unit that had been made long ago. We cried for the better part of the week, but managed to come back together at some point while I was there. That time with them is the most beautiful experience I’ve had in my life so far and things are forever changed as a result of those moments together.

I’ve made a lot of new friends this year and am really excited to be starting a new decade this week with all of you in tow. I feel light again, like things are clearing up. I am determined to bring my personal life up to speed with my professional life this year…gonna make some happy stuff happen!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY!!! See you on the 7th at Doug Fir in Portland! It’s gonna be a really good show. “Cars & Trains” and “The Gentry” rule the skool.

xxLL