October 11th is National Coming Out Day and today I’m celebrating 30 years of being openly queer. It was really unsafe when I was outed as a teenager in the early ‘90s in the Midwest and I’ve been in a process of reclaiming that experience and rescripting that narrative ever since.

Looking at photos of me from that time, it’s hard to imagine anyone hating or wanting to hurt this kid — but it was a different time in the world. I don’t see a 14 year old who has demons in him when I look at this picture. I see a sweet gay kid with big dreams, who deserved better than the hateful, anti-gay church he was born into.

For me, coming out is an ongoing process. I feel like I come out every day, in every room I enter. The term ‘coming out’ means different things to different people, and it’s informed by our individual experiences in the world. You’re still queer before you’re out. Out is a state of mind as much as it is a political act.

Are you able to be your whole self in every room you enter? If so, great. But that’s not always safe. I think people should come out when it works for them and when they are going to be safe in that process. This looks different for everybody.

It’s hard to be afraid of people when you know them to be good, and it’s even harder to hate someone you already love. Whether we are talking about our families, communities, or Hollywood, LGBTQ+ people demanding to be seen and celebrated while showing people who we really are, helps facilitate that.

Be you, baby. Fuck the haters.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤🤎

#NCOD

I was the guest on this week’s episode of the Mentally Together Podcast with Cassidy Quinn, chatting about recovery and wellness and music and things.

Listen here if ya wanna. 💙

I wrote a thing for the .gay blog this week. Check it out HERE, or keep reading below.

I will never EVER stop smiling about this happy ending. Come at me, trolls, tech bros and homophobes! We’re ready.

I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

Here’s the full transcript of the post:

Creating a safer internet with .gay

The internet has long been a place where LGBTQ people go to build relationships, express ourselves, and promote visibility of our lived experiences — and yet, for all the internet’s openness and accessibility, it also holds prejudice, hate and discrimination. 

I’m no stranger to this experience, as an out gay man who signed his first record deal at the age of 17 and hosted a TV show on the first-ever gay cable channel — the Logo network — during a time (pre-RuPaul’s Drag Race) when very little LGBTQ content existed in the mainstream. The reality is, I was publicly gay long before it was accepted or respected. 1998 was a very different world, when my first record came out. We all watched what Ellen Degeneres had to go through and rise above, just to be herself. While I’ve been very lucky to have received all kinds of opportunities over the course of my career, I have also constantly found myself at the forefront of bigotry — often having to navigate trolling, online harassment, and bullying with very little recourse for me personally, or for my very gay brand. 

I’ve spent decades fighting the tech industry to change policies that are inherently designed to sustain and profit from systemic abuse online, all in an effort to help keep LGBTQ people like myself safer. I’m proud to have some victories under my belt, but unfortunately we have a long way to go, and the work is far from over. Over the past couple of years, as online abuse directed at me reached an all-time high, I realized I was in a unique position to use my platform and story to help usher in change. It’s this fight that has led to me partnering with Top Level Design on the launch of .gay. 

This year .gay is embarking on an unprecedented journey, in commemoration of the first Pride parade. As a domain, .gay will operate not unlike .com, .net, .edu, etc., but we also have the historic opportunity to create a completely new namespace for people in LGBTQ communities to celebrate and connect online. Our launch begins with what’s called the “Sunrise” period on February 10th and culminates with general availability later this year, with the same spirit as the original disruptive and passionate voices who marched 50 years ago. .gay is open to all – it’s a virtual Pride flag that honors decades of history and progress, while inspiring an inclusive, welcoming future for everyone.

“At .gay, we are committed to doing things differently.”

At .gay, we are committed to doing things differently. Our anti-abuse and harassment policies found within our “.gay Rights Protections” go well beyond industry norms to establish this domain as a gay-friendly internet space. This policy exists to ban harassment, hate-speech and anti-LGBTQ content, as well as provide specific, timely remedies for domains that intentionally use .gay to malign or harm LGBTQ individuals or groups. While this may put us out on a limb, it’s a duty that we do not take lightly, and we will continue to engage with other LGBTQ stakeholders to responsively enact this policy in order to create a safer internet for our communities. 

We know that we will not be able to single-handedly turn the internet into a hate-free zone, but .gay is committed to doing our part, and we absolutely reject the status quo — which is to do nothing without a court order. While we are optimistic that our revenue donations, proud branding and sheer existence of .gay will keep hate away, we are prepared for when the haters arrive. 

As someone who has spent most of his life advocating for LGBTQ communities around bigotry, violence, and mental health disparities, I am truly moved by this historic, industry-leading commitment that .gay is making. One of the most exciting parts of this endeavor is the support we’ll be providing to the community by way of the platform. For every name registered, .gay will donate 20% of wholesale revenue to support the work of nonprofits helping to address key issues facing the LGBTQ population. 

In our first year, we’re proud to share this donation with GLAAD and CenterLink, two organizations that offer vital tools and life-saving services. We chose CenterLink, an umbrella organization for over 250 LGBTQ centers across the US and around the world, because of their efforts to provide safe physical spaces that liberate, dignify and empower LGBTQ lives, loves, and families. This aligns with our mission to create safe online spaces and increased visibility for LGBTQ people. We are equally honored to be partnering with GLAAD, whose preeminent legacy and continued work are rooted in fighting against misrepresentation and hate in the media. The GLAAD Media Guide is core to our marketing and policies, ensuring that all .gay registrars will represent LGBTQ people positively and accurately.

Imagine for a moment how .gay would have been received during the .com boom of the ‘90s — an era of headline violence and no established gay rights? It would have been a total nonstarter, given the social change that we were still fighting for. It’s easy to forget exactly how far we’ve come, but our time is now. .gay is a movement and I’m excited to build it, hand-in-hand with each of you. 

.gay is a space for businesses, organizations and individuals to converge and stand together for something bigger than just themselves. With each domain registered we have the unique opportunity to use our platform to celebrate and grow the vibrancy of the gay internet. 

I hope that you’ll join us, and be among the first to take this bold step for the tech industry.