I released my 10th album this week and next year will be celebrating the 25th anniversary of the 1st one. Wild stuff.
I can’t ever tell if I am the hero or the villain of this story, so I usually land on: I am both. People are assholes and I’m one of them. Unlike most of you though, my entire humiliating human journey is on record. Every dark thought I had as a teenager is literally downloadable on iTunes, a quarter of a century later. It’s horrifying and liberating all at once, and has always felt this way to me. I made bedfellows with overexposure early on in my career because I had to as a result of my writing, not because I understood what that would actually mean 25 years down the road.
I’ve been writing songs about what’s happening in my life at any given time since I was a child, and began recording and releasing those songs professionally when I was 17 — still very much a child. Life was all the way off the rails for me back then, and so is everything I did and wrote during that time.
My discography exists in two parts: 1998-2008 sounds like drugs and violence because everything around me was drugs and violence. 2009-now sounds like a person putting things back together after all the drugs and violence. I do my best to stay compassionate with myself about the lot of it, and I am ultimately glad it all exists — but it’s so incredibly hard to look at, in parts. I was a very sad, unwell person for many years, and that comes through loud and clear in all of those tracks from before.
My songs have never been about answers, and they still aren’t. Even now, as a happy, well person, I am all questions and nothing else. It has been this way for as long as I can remember. These albums are just a reflecting pool; kinda hard to make out, quite like the years.
Some of you have been with me this whole time, others have joined at points along the way, and many of you are just getting here now. However you found me and my songs, and however long you have been around, I hope you all know how much it means to me that you are here.
And for anyone about to dig into my back catalog: Apologies in advance. It was the 90s and I was freebasing cocaine.
As Recovery Month comes to a close, I just wanted to give a quick shout-out to everyone who believed that my life had worth back when I did not.
It’s been nearly 14 years since the last time I smoked crack, had a needle in my arm, took a drink, was homeless, or tried to hurt myself in some other creative way — and life is good now.
As Mental Health Awareness Month draws to a close and Pride Month begins, I sat down with Sheila Hamilton for a 2 part episode of the Beyond Well Podcast to chat about gay stuff, recovery, music, advocacy work, and Gucci.
I’m the guest this week on Flawless Foundation’s Zoom series, talking about self-care and fashion in the time of quarantine and a bunch of other stuff! 🤘
Tonight’s mocktail: Caleño Drinks non-alcoholic liquor and Fever-Tree soda with a splash of Grüvi zero proof Prosecco, over ice, in a giant glass. Party. ☀️
There’s a little over a week left in Mental Health Awareness Month and I just want to encourage you all to scream into the universe if that’s how you feel, eat a candy bar if you need one, watch TV until your eyes water when you can’t stop thinking about the pandemic, buy stuff you can’t afford as the prolonged isolation starts to really get to you, and give yourself a break from picturing your own death and the death of everyone you know for a day or two — but don’t stop being vigilant.
Social distancing is hard. Quarantine sucks. Being alone constantly is intense — and you’re doing great! Keep going. This won’t last forever, but right now it’s all we can do to keep each other safe.
I appreciate those of you who are taking this seriously. I see you. 💙
Thanks to everyone who tuned in for today’s Elliott Smith: Heaven Adores You livestream. It was great to celebrate this man’s life and music with you all.
March is always a weird time of year for me. It’s the anniversary of the last time I tried to take my own life — and nearly succeeded. It’s also the anniversary of my being hospitalized for said suicide attempt, which was ultimately the catalyst for my getting off drugs and alcohol once and for all, after 16 years of being stuck in a crack-fueled trauma cycle I just could not break out of by myself.
That was 12 years ago this month, and in the 4,380 days since, I have found a way to center my entire life around love, healing, and forgiveness. I’ve fought for myself and built a career that I am super grateful for and proud of. I have food in my fridge and a beautiful roof over my head that I never take for granted for even one moment, after struggling with housing and basic safety for most of my teens and 20s. And I have found ways of belonging in the world alongside the friends and family who made space for me to become this person all those years ago.
Thank you for believing I could and for holding me close. I realize it’s hard for some people to picture me this way. I am unrecognizably well, and you really just had to be there…but if you weren’t, I’m glad.
And if you are struggling right now, please know you can always reach out. Life will change if you stick around. I promise. It’s what life does. You should be here for it. 🖤
