As Recovery Month comes to a close, I just wanted to give a quick shout-out to everyone who believed that my life had worth back when I did not.
It’s been nearly 14 years since the last time I smoked crack, had a needle in my arm, took a drink, was homeless, or tried to hurt myself in some other creative way — and life is good now.
20 years ago this month I was homeless in San Francisco, living in a pay-by-the-hour “hotel” in the Tenderloin, trying desperately to convince people I was a normal person instead of a junkie who was starving and scared and just barely hanging on.
Money was expensive back then, but I got myself 3 shirts, a pair of jeans, some sneakers and a Gucci hat, and did my best impression of a human person as I handed out the resumes I had printed at a friend’s house before leaving Portland with a one-way train ticket to the city.
Every move I made back then was an act of desperation, and that desperately fancy hat got me in the door for a job interview at a store that I truly had no business shopping in at the time, much less managing. I got the job and, just like that, I was somebody new.
To this day I am entirely convinced that Gucci cap is what dazzled them into hiring me…or, at least, distracted them into giving me the chance, glassy eyed red flags and all. They would, of course, regret giving me that chance.
I worked hard to turn these fake projections into an actual life for myself while I was still very sick, with some success — but it’s hard to hold onto anything when you have to smoke crack and drink vodka all day just to function.
I built and lost everything many, many times over the course of my 16 year addiction. I was completely disconnected from reality and truth, and I hurt a ton of people as I spun out.
This month marks 13 years since the last time I drank alcohol, used cocaine, crack or heroin, or tried to destroy myself in some other creative way. I am about as far from homeless as a person can get, am surrounded by people and projects I love, and clearly all of my wildest Gucci dreams from way back when have manifested in the years since getting well and becoming myself again.
Honestly, I could never have pictured this life. I seem to have landed that elusive peace I was chasing for so long, and it’s just as I had hoped it would be.
So if you are in the middle of the struggle, giving up on yourself and the idea of a future for your life: DON’T.
Stick around so some strange joy and glamour can find you, too.
I’m the guest this week on Flawless Foundation’s Zoom series, talking about self-care and fashion in the time of quarantine and a bunch of other stuff! 🤘
There’s a little over a week left in Mental Health Awareness Month and I just want to encourage you all to scream into the universe if that’s how you feel, eat a candy bar if you need one, watch TV until your eyes water when you can’t stop thinking about the pandemic, buy stuff you can’t afford as the prolonged isolation starts to really get to you, and give yourself a break from picturing your own death and the death of everyone you know for a day or two — but don’t stop being vigilant.
Social distancing is hard. Quarantine sucks. Being alone constantly is intense — and you’re doing great! Keep going. This won’t last forever, but right now it’s all we can do to keep each other safe.
I appreciate those of you who are taking this seriously. I see you. 💙
