On this day in 2008 I was really struggling, still awake at the tail end of what would ultimately turn out to be my final bender, making another list of whether I should stick around or go.

I did that a lot back then, and the list for going was always so much longer than the list for staying — but that pesky small list had such important things on it. My brother. My mom. My dad. Our family. My songs. Some man who might love me someday. And perhaps most importantly at times, a sweet dog who just won’t understand where I’ve gone.

The months before that final list had been designed that way — as my last hoorah — because I had decided to go. But it was taking forever, as any of you who were around back then will remember. I had existed with cocaine and alcohol as my life’s centerpiece for 16 years by that point, and all hope had been lost a long time before that…but I was scared. And I wanted to live. But I was done with hurting.

For whatever reason, I survived the experiences that followed. I ultimately landed in the right hospital with the right team of doctors at the exact right time and, well, long story long, here I still am.

I was wasted and suffering for 16 years before that. SIXTEEN YEARS!!! Next month it will have been 16 years since I quit cocaine and alcohol all together and got my life back. Feels really special to have now been on the earth as myself for longer than I wasn’t.

I still make the list of whether to stay or go once a year around this time. It took a decade to even out and it stayed pretty even for years, but now it’s completely lopsided, and has been for some time. There are no more reasons to go and, when I look back, there never were. I am surrounded by endless reasons to stay and stay and stay and I always was.

So are you.

Stick around for incoming joy, bbs. Stick around for someday love. Stick around for doggos and TV shows you’ll miss the ending of. ❤️

I was the guest on the Hero’s Journey Podcast this week.

Check it out:

This process is much less tortured these days than it used to be. Feels super happy in here.

This Mental Health Awareness Month, I am feeling really grateful to be here — and not just to be here, but to be happy and healthy and here.

We’re in here working on a new record and you can actually hear this peace I’ve found in my vocal takes. Longterm recovery is a trip. 🖤

I know many of you are struggling right now. Navigating addiction and persistent mental health conditions can be so brutal.

Please know that I am rooting for you. I want us all to win. And I believe some sort of extraordinary peace is out here waiting for each of you, too.