As Recovery Month comes to a close, I just wanted to give a quick shout-out to everyone who believed that my life had worth back when I did not.
It’s been nearly 14 years since the last time I smoked crack, had a needle in my arm, took a drink, was homeless, or tried to hurt myself in some other creative way — and life is good now.
20 years ago this month I was homeless in San Francisco, living in a pay-by-the-hour “hotel” in the Tenderloin, trying desperately to convince people I was a normal person instead of a junkie who was starving and scared and just barely hanging on.
Money was expensive back then, but I got myself 3 shirts, a pair of jeans, some sneakers and a Gucci hat, and did my best impression of a human person as I handed out the resumes I had printed at a friend’s house before leaving Portland with a one-way train ticket to the city.
Every move I made back then was an act of desperation, and that desperately fancy hat got me in the door for a job interview at a store that I truly had no business shopping in at the time, much less managing. I got the job and, just like that, I was somebody new.
To this day I am entirely convinced that Gucci cap is what dazzled them into hiring me…or, at least, distracted them into giving me the chance, glassy eyed red flags and all. They would, of course, regret giving me that chance.
I worked hard to turn these fake projections into an actual life for myself while I was still very sick, with some success — but it’s hard to hold onto anything when you have to smoke crack and drink vodka all day just to function.
I built and lost everything many, many times over the course of my 16 year addiction. I was completely disconnected from reality and truth, and I hurt a ton of people as I spun out.
This month marks 13 years since the last time I drank alcohol, used cocaine, crack or heroin, or tried to destroy myself in some other creative way. I am about as far from homeless as a person can get, am surrounded by people and projects I love, and clearly all of my wildest Gucci dreams from way back when have manifested in the years since getting well and becoming myself again.
Honestly, I could never have pictured this life. I seem to have landed that elusive peace I was chasing for so long, and it’s just as I had hoped it would be.
So if you are in the middle of the struggle, giving up on yourself and the idea of a future for your life: DON’T.
Stick around so some strange joy and glamour can find you, too.
I’m the guest this week on Flawless Foundation’s Zoom series, talking about self-care and fashion in the time of quarantine and a bunch of other stuff! 🤘
There’s a little over a week left in Mental Health Awareness Month and I just want to encourage you all to scream into the universe if that’s how you feel, eat a candy bar if you need one, watch TV until your eyes water when you can’t stop thinking about the pandemic, buy stuff you can’t afford as the prolonged isolation starts to really get to you, and give yourself a break from picturing your own death and the death of everyone you know for a day or two — but don’t stop being vigilant.
Social distancing is hard. Quarantine sucks. Being alone constantly is intense — and you’re doing great! Keep going. This won’t last forever, but right now it’s all we can do to keep each other safe.
I appreciate those of you who are taking this seriously. I see you. 💙
It’s Mental Health Awareness Month and calls to the national hotline providing emergency help to people suffering from emotional distress are up 891% from this time last year. People are suffering, and the isolation and separation we are all experiencing as a result of this pandemic are taking a toll.
As someone who has struggled with mental and behavioral health issues my whole life, I’m feeling so grateful to be in a good place these days — though I picked a hell of a time to be stone cold sober.
It took me years to find the right anxiety medication, decades to work through the experiences which were fueling my previous addiction, and a lifetime to find compassion for myself in the midst of it all…but I’m there now.
Whenever the light in my life disappears I try and remind myself that light actually has to travel 6 trillion miles and takes a full earth year to move through space before we ever see it on this planet. That doesn’t mean the light wasn’t there the whole time. It just takes a light year to actually get to us. If you are in a place right now where it’s not visible, I promise it’s still there, and will make its way to you again eventually.
Please don’t suffer alone. If you text HOME to 741741 there are licensed professionals available 24/7 to talk with you and can help connect you to resources. And I’m here for you, too. Don’t hesitate to reach out. 🖤
March is always a weird time of year for me. It’s the anniversary of the last time I tried to take my own life — and nearly succeeded. It’s also the anniversary of my being hospitalized for said suicide attempt, which was ultimately the catalyst for my getting off drugs and alcohol once and for all, after 16 years of being stuck in a crack-fueled trauma cycle I just could not break out of by myself.
That was 12 years ago this month, and in the 4,380 days since, I have found a way to center my entire life around love, healing, and forgiveness. I’ve fought for myself and built a career that I am super grateful for and proud of. I have food in my fridge and a beautiful roof over my head that I never take for granted for even one moment, after struggling with housing and basic safety for most of my teens and 20s. And I have found ways of belonging in the world alongside the friends and family who made space for me to become this person all those years ago.
Thank you for believing I could and for holding me close. I realize it’s hard for some people to picture me this way. I am unrecognizably well, and you really just had to be there…but if you weren’t, I’m glad.
And if you are struggling right now, please know you can always reach out. Life will change if you stick around. I promise. It’s what life does. You should be here for it. 🖤
As I approach the 12th anniversary of my being in recovery from cocaine and alcohol, I am genuinely feeling really happy to be here, and so excited about life.
This hasn’t always been the case, as anyone who has followed me for any length of time will already know. I was using drugs back then for a reason — many reasons, actually — and those reasons didn’t magically disappear just because I quit smoking crack and killing my body slowly with vodka. If anything, those reasons became clearer and felt worse as I was getting well.
I am forever thankful for my doctors, who allowed me to go on a journey of harm reduction instead of total abstinence at first. The reality is, this recovery would never have worked if I hadn’t been put on Naltrexone for cravings, or if I hadn’t been able to use medical marijuana during my transition from suicidal junkie to regular human person. Pot saved me for many years, and gave me the space and time I needed to become myself again after nearly two decades of orbiting the atmosphere alone.
A few months ago, the weed stopped helping like it once had, and I went back to the same team of docs who had saved me, to see what was up. I made the transition from medical marijuana to BusPar around that time and almost immediately felt that impending sense of doom I’ve had strapped to my back since childhood disappear completely.
This is all just to say, recovery looks different for everyone, and it changes over time. If medication assistance helps you, take the medicine. I certainly have, and I’m zero percent ashamed about it. If you are experiencing addiction but aren’t ready to go totally sober right at first, then just find ways of hurting yourself less. That all counts as recovery, too — and fuck anyone who tries to tell you otherwise.
If you had told me 12 years ago that this life I’ve been living would someday be mine to live, I would never have believed you…but here we are. Healthy, happy and loved. 100% sober. Alive, inspired, and grateful. This shit is a goddamn miracle. 🤘💛
