On this day in 2008 I was really struggling, still awake at the tail end of what would ultimately turn out to be my final bender, making another list of whether I should stick around or go.

I did that a lot back then, and the list for going was always so much longer than the list for staying — but that pesky small list had such important things on it. My brother. My mom. My dad. Our family. My songs. Some man who might love me someday. And perhaps most importantly at times, a sweet dog who just won’t understand where I’ve gone.

The months before that final list had been designed that way — as my last hoorah — because I had decided to go. But it was taking forever, as any of you who were around back then will remember. I had existed with cocaine and alcohol as my life’s centerpiece for 16 years by that point, and all hope had been lost a long time before that…but I was scared. And I wanted to live. But I was done with hurting.

For whatever reason, I survived the experiences that followed. I ultimately landed in the right hospital with the right team of doctors at the exact right time and, well, long story long, here I still am.

I was wasted and suffering for 16 years before that. SIXTEEN YEARS!!! Next month it will have been 16 years since I quit cocaine and alcohol all together and got my life back. Feels really special to have now been on the earth as myself for longer than I wasn’t.

I still make the list of whether to stay or go once a year around this time. It took a decade to even out and it stayed pretty even for years, but now it’s completely lopsided, and has been for some time. There are no more reasons to go and, when I look back, there never were. I am surrounded by endless reasons to stay and stay and stay and I always was.

So are you.

Stick around for incoming joy, bbs. Stick around for someday love. Stick around for doggos and TV shows you’ll miss the ending of. ❤️

Everyone who knew me back then thought I was a goner — but here I am, a very much not-goner.

Appreciate the opportunity to still be gay and stupid after all these years.

🖤

#RecoveryIsPossible

This month I am celebrating 14 years in longterm recovery from a 16 year addiction to cocaine and alcohol that nearly took my life many times.

I am really happy to be here. 🖤

For the first decade after I stopped trying to hurt myself, I had these incredible moments of shame and guilt and weird panic take me over constantly, just about having been this person for so long — and I still sometimes do.

Like…how did I ever think anything I did, wrote, sang, or said in the 90s and early 00s was ok? How could I have hurt myself so much and cared so little for other people?

I do my best to stay compassionate with myself, and so many of you have shown me the same over the years.

If you are someone I hurt, humiliated, or discarded somewhere along the way, I’m truly sorry. All I can really say is that hurting people hurt people, and I was hurting for many years.

Every single change I’ve made in my life has been made in the direction of my knowing I needed to do better, be better, and ultimately take responsibility for the entire experience of having been me this whole time — both as a very sick person, and now having been a very well person for many years.

I was talking to John from Portugal. The Man a few months ago about how so many things would never have happened if I had been successful in killing myself. One of the things I listed was that we would never have met. He very kindly let me know that we had met before I was well and that he just had never brought the experience up because clearly I did not remember and he knew I had been through a lot.

I have no recollection of this, and so many other experiences from that time; But I know that many of you retain these memories of me from before, and I am so grateful to John and every single one of you who have been willing to meet me again over the years, and have made space for me in your lives since.

Thank you to everyone who tried to keep me safe or showed me love during those early years — and thank you all for giving me the chance to be who I am now. It is your kindness that has carried me through.

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE.