NEWS + BLOG

14 years.

This month I am celebrating 14 years in longterm recovery from a 16 year addiction to cocaine and alcohol that nearly took my life many times.

I am really happy to be here. 🖤

For the first decade after I stopped trying to hurt myself, I had these incredible moments of shame and guilt and weird panic take me over constantly, just about having been this person for so long — and I still sometimes do.

Like…how did I ever think anything I did, wrote, sang, or said in the 90s and early 00s was ok? How could I have hurt myself so much and cared so little for other people?

I do my best to stay compassionate with myself, and so many of you have shown me the same over the years.

If you are someone I hurt, humiliated, or discarded somewhere along the way, I’m truly sorry. All I can really say is that hurting people hurt people, and I was hurting for many years.

Every single change I’ve made in my life has been made in the direction of my knowing I needed to do better, be better, and ultimately take responsibility for the entire experience of having been me this whole time — both as a very sick person, and now having been a very well person for many years.

I was talking to John from Portugal. The Man a few months ago about how so many things would never have happened if I had been successful in killing myself. One of the things I listed was that we would never have met. He very kindly let me know that we had met before I was well and that he just had never brought the experience up because clearly I did not remember and he knew I had been through a lot.

I have no recollection of this, and so many other experiences from that time; But I know that many of you retain these memories of me from before, and I am so grateful to John and every single one of you who have been willing to meet me again over the years, and have made space for me in your lives since.

Thank you to everyone who tried to keep me safe or showed me love during those early years — and thank you all for giving me the chance to be who I am now. It is your kindness that has carried me through.

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE.

Category: Addiction and Recovery, Advocacy, Emotional Bullshit, Fashion, Gucci, Health & Wellness, Healthcare, History, life, Logan Lynn, Love, Official Statements, Oregon, PDX Fashion, PDX Music, Portland, Portugal. The Man, Queer, Shit That Makes Me Die Dead, Style, Unbelievable Stuff, Uncategorized

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