Those of you who followed me while I was doing community work for Portland’s Q Center between 2010-2014 are most likely already familiar with the story of my Inter-Community Dialogue Project between the LGBTQ Community and Mars Hill Church…or, at least, you might think you are familiar.

I have been sitting on a documentary I made over the course of those years, but with everything going on in the world right now, it feels important to finally let people know what REALLY happened.

One major note that’s not captured in the film, is that Mars Hill Church members from our group subsequently denounced the teachings of their former leader and disassembled all of their congregations after we shot the final scenes.

Here is our story…

Watch “Lead With Love”

ABOUT THE FILM

What happens when an out, gay musician befriends an anti-gay church leader?

Notoriously anti-gay conservative evangelical megachurch Mars Hill landed in Portland, Oregon in 2011.  The public reacted swiftly in protest of the arrival of these unwelcome ideals and the media picked up the story of their purchase of “the castle” immediately.

When local musician and LGBTQ activist Logan Lynn, who was working as the spokesperson and publicist for Portland’s Q Center at the time, was quoted in The Oregonian as saying he would “extend an olive branch“ and “be respectful of them and try to make friends“ – and then he proceeded to do just that — all hell broke loose in the media, as well as in the community.

From broken windows to broken hearts, through death threats and violence, this is the true story of what can happen when sworn enemies set aside their differences and get to know one another as people.

“People have been telling the story of what happened between me and Mars Hill Church completely wrong for years,” Lynn says about the controversial inter-community dialogue project, which he created. “I gave up correcting strangers and the media half a decade ago, but I also made this documentary as it was all happening so that the truth could someday be told. That someday is now.”

After the final scenes of Logan Lynn’s “Lead With Love” documentary were shot, the controversial founder and leader of the church, Mark Driscoll, resigned and all of the Mars Hill Church congregations were dissolved across the nation.

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(Originally Published on The Huffington Post on 4/18/2012)

I went to see filmmaker Lee Hirsch‘s new documentary, Bully, this past weekend, and even now, days later, I still find myself deeply affected. When I say that, I’m speaking not so much about the film (although it was beautifully made and completely moving) but to the extreme heartache I have felt since watching it. I started sobbing about 30 seconds into the movie and didn’t really stop until the following morning. I cried for the parents who have lost their children to bullying, I cried for the bullied subjects in the film, and I cried for myself, having gone through an amplified version of all of this years ago.

Yesterday, after reading reports of yet another 14-year-old queer kid being bullied to death in America, this time in Iowa, the feeling turned once again from sadness to anger. My own growing-up-gay-in-the-Midwest story reads like some sort of fucked-up textbook for how LGBT kids come into the world, how we maneuver through, and often how we go out. The torture I suffered at the hands of my peers as a closeted child and then as an out teenager is one that is shared by many in the community. In reality I was quite lucky to have survived back then, although I almost didn’t survive the years that followed.

I took in violence as a young man like a sponge takes up water. It came in many forms, but I always did the same thing with it: I absorbed it and made it part of me, every mean thing anyone ever called me believed, every punch thrown my way shaped into my being. I spent years reacting to other people’s hate in a variety of colorful ways, living out the disappointment of everyone who had ever known me in real time. I was driven by uncontrollable rage, crippling fear, and a sense of mourning for the person everyone else thought I should be but whom I knew I would never become. Over time I grew used to the abuse, said goodbye to my sweetness, and let the violence take me over.

Even as an adult I am still dealing with this very old idea about myself and a world that says that I am nothing; that I somehow deserve to taste blood in my mouth, because I am not actually a person; that I need to hide in order to stay alive. To this day, when I encounter homophobia, my first reaction is often to fight; sometimes the motivation is to protect myself or the man I love, but sometimes it’s because I just want to see that look of surprise on the face of some mouthy jock who didn’t expect this particular weak, pussy-faggot to be scrappy and fight back. I’ve spent countless hours in therapy working on this very thing, but having spent my formative years defending myself both physically and emotionally, it’s sometimes hard to turn that survival reflex off.

Just this past weekend, as we walked by a group of meathead bro-dudes with tribal tattoos and spray tans, one of them mocked what I had said to my boyfriend as we passed, only he did it in full-blown sissy voice. I stopped. My initial instinct was to Read the rest of this entry »