It has taken me days to accept that my friend Brent is not here anymore and I still can’t really find words for what this sweet man has meant to me and my own recovery over the years.

Beyond holding space as one of the few people I know who look hot with or without a beard — which I will gladly admit was what I noticed about him first and is VERY RARE — this handsome guy made space for me in Oregon’s recovery community when no one else would. He saw value in my journey from there to here, and he made sure other people knew it. He showed me respect in rooms I had been disrespected in and fought for me, and others like me who had carved their own path to recovery, to have a space at the big table. And it worked. Read the rest of this entry »

Happy to be here.

I think it’s hard for people who meet me now to picture me before I got into recovery, and I love that for all of us.

This month I am celebrating 17 years in recovery from an addiction to alcohol and cocaine that many of you who were around back then will remember lasted 16 years. It feels good to have now been in my right mind (and body) for longer than I ever was out of it. Proud of myself, and happy to be here.

Thank you to everyone who has allowed me to become something new in these nearly 2 decades since. You know who you are and I love you all.

On this day in 2008 I was really struggling, still awake at the tail end of what would ultimately turn out to be my final bender, making another list of whether I should stick around or go.

I did that a lot back then, and the list for going was always so much longer than the list for staying — but that pesky small list had such important things on it. My brother. My mom. My dad. Our family. My songs. Some man who might love me someday. And perhaps most importantly at times, a sweet dog who just won’t understand where I’ve gone.

The months before that final list had been designed that way — as my last hoorah — because I had decided to go. But it was taking forever, as any of you who were around back then will remember. I had existed with cocaine and alcohol as my life’s centerpiece for 16 years by that point, and all hope had been lost a long time before that…but I was scared. And I wanted to live. But I was done with hurting.

For whatever reason, I survived the experiences that followed. I ultimately landed in the right hospital with the right team of doctors at the exact right time and, well, long story long, here I still am.

I was wasted and suffering for 16 years before that. SIXTEEN YEARS!!! Next month it will have been 16 years since I quit cocaine and alcohol all together and got my life back. Feels really special to have now been on the earth as myself for longer than I wasn’t.

I still make the list of whether to stay or go once a year around this time. It took a decade to even out and it stayed pretty even for years, but now it’s completely lopsided, and has been for some time. There are no more reasons to go and, when I look back, there never were. I am surrounded by endless reasons to stay and stay and stay and I always was.

So are you.

Stick around for incoming joy, bbs. Stick around for someday love. Stick around for doggos and TV shows you’ll miss the ending of. ❤️